Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Dear Basil... Cheating, is it too ADDICTIVE to Stop?



Dating Naked
Topic: Cheating and Addiction


Addictions, and the drug of choice? CHEATING!!!!!

Not drugs, not booze - Cheating, no one used to talk about it. Cheating seems to be the hot topic of the last year for me, because it’s all I have read or have written about. It’s being done more today than ever before. It used to be the male’s issue, but more and more, women have come out of the closets and have admitted to their own infidelities. I had a reader who has been reading the last few Dear Basil blogs. She has been living with a secret for the last year. And so here is her email followed by my thoughts on, Cheating, is it too Addictive to stop?

I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM FINALLY ADMITTING TO THIS, BUT YOU SEEM TO BE A SAFE PLACE. I HAVE BEEN ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS, AND I HAVE BEEN CHEATING ON HIM FOR ABOUT A YEAR WITH MY MARRIED CO-WORKER. NOW BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING, I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE ENDED MY RELATIONSHIP. BUT IT’S JUST NOT AS SIMPLE AS THAT. I NEVER WANTED AN AFFAIR, IT KIND OF SURPRISED ME WHEN IT FIRST HAPPENED. I DON'T WANT MY CO-WORKER AS ANYTHING LONG TERM. I THINK IT WOULD RUIN THE ATTRACTION. THE TRUTH IS, IT WAS JUST NORMAL, INNOCENT FLIRTING IN THE OFFICE. I EVEN TOLD MY BOYFRIEND ABOUT HIM, AND LIKE WHAT ANY GIRLFRIEND WOULD WANT AND EXPECT. HE WAS OK WITH THE FRIENDSHIP. HE DOESN'T GET JEALOUS. THEY EVEN MET A FEW TIMES. ONE DAY IT JUST HAPPENED, AND I WAS ADDICTED TO HIM EVER SINCE. THE THING IS, I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF IT’S HIM, OR IF IT’S THE CHEATING. I CONFRONTED MY CO-WORKER ONE MORNING, WE TALKED ABOUT THE RAMIFICATIONS OF THIS OFFICE AFFAIR. WE BOTH AGREED TO BACK OFF AND GIVE OUR OWN RELATIONSHIPS THE TIME AND ENERGY THEY DESERVED. ONLY LATER THAT DAY, I GOT AN EMAIL TO MEET HIM WHERE WE ALWAYS MET, AND HE WANTED ME ONE LAST TIME. I HAVE TO ADMIT, I WANTED HIM TOO. SO WE DID. THAT LASTED A TOTAL OF A WEEK. THE NEXT THING I KNEW, WE WERE HAVING SEX EVERY PLACE WE COULD. I GET OFF ON HIM. I GET OFF DOING IT. I DON'T LOVE THIS MAN. I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND. BUT THE SEX IS JUST BIGGER THAN ME AND I AM CONFUSED. IS CHEATING REALLY THIS ADDICTIVE, OR IS IT ME?

BASIL, I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING IS WRONG. I AM NOT AN IDIOT. I JUST CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW I CAN LOVE SOMEONE SO MUCH, YET CAN'T SAY NO TO SOME ONE I DON'T LOVE OR RESPECT. I FULLY ADMIT, IF I LOST MY FIANCE, BASIL, I WOULD BE SO LOST. I WAS NEVER LIKE THIS BEFORE. I AM CURIOUS TO SEE WHAT YOUR READERS WILL SAY. HOW COME LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH ANYMORE, BASIL? I CRY WHEN HE IS SLEEPING. WHY AM I DOING THIS?

Cheating... Is it too Addictive to Stop? You know what? It probably is. All I can think of when I read that is WOW! I know the moral thing here to say is, you are wrong and you just need to stop. You need to tell your boyfriend and blah, blah, blah, blah!!!


But who does that, really? And why would she? Who dares put that scarlet letter on their chest for your moral views?

It does grab you. If anyone has had an affair, you would know that there is a certain element to cheating that is a massive rush. It’s like that first-time sex you have with someone, where you finally give into the passion, over and over. And let’s be perfectly honest about this part too...Doing something we know is wrong is also a massive rush. We all know it too.

Some of you do it in small doses every single day. Just the way this started was in small doses. It started out as innocent flirting she said. "FRIENDS." FIRST, there is no such thing as innocent flirting. I know there is someone reading this that will disagree. But you do, because you need to justify what you are doing so you can keep doing it. And even if you did, you open the door that could always lead to more, just like my reader. She didn't intend to cheat on her boyfriend, but once she allowed herself to become close, and intimate with her co-worker...it all changed forever.

Here's my point on innocent flirting: First, How can anything be innocent, when innocent flirting begins with mutual attraction? Who flirts with a guy or a girl they are not attracted too? It happens because you like the person, you find something about them that moves you. Second, Guys view flirting as interest, always did, always will. It’s the “Come fuck me” free card. Even me, I flirt on my blogs all the time.


And you know what, when single, I would seduce almost all of you. It’s not innocent. But in a relationship, it gets tricky... because where does the line begin and end?

We all have different buttons, different triggers. I know when I am in a commitment, I can't allow doors to be opened, just like an alcoholic knows he can't just have one drink. A drug addict can't have just a little taste... a person overweight and on a diet, can't just sneak in a krispie cream. These are addictions. Sex is as much of an addiction as those. Sneaking around only amplifies those addictions. Because it adds to it.

I personally, got off on sneaking around with the rings. The lust factor was amped up that much more. It was electric. I didn't over think it cause I just didn't care, I got into it. I thought the passion of a love-starved woman was ten times that of a single girl who didn’t know what she is missing. Does that make me a fucking jerk? Maybe. It is what it is. To me, an affair is a sign of something wrong. PERIOD!!! What that something is, I couldn't tell you. They all differ.

Some reasons: Sometimes we just get the overwhelming feeling that there is more, and we are being cheated of it. After attempt after attempt of asking for it...our needs take over reason and sanity. It’s just that simple. Other reasons. We become starved for attention... so "innocent flirting" attends to those needs. Only until innocent flirting becomes that door that opens and you can't seem to close it. More reasons. You left something before you really let it go in your heart. This only leads you back to it, sooner or later. And sometimes...we are just habitual cheaters. Like I said, we are all wired differently. Some of us have lots of emotional needs. Some of us have physical needs. Then there are the rest who have addictions. Cheating to me is as much of an addiction as the rest. I believe that. That rush keeps you coming back.

You don't have to understand it. I know many of you reading this are getting pumped up hating everything my reader is doing. Deep down, she is too. But remember what I said. Sometimes it takes over reason and sanity. That crack addict can't think of anything but that pull off the pipe. She can't think of anything but that moment her co-worker enters her. I can almost hear the comment now.

“Why doesn't she get that same feeling when her boyfriend enters her?”

Don't you think she wonders the same thing though? Some will say she doesn't love her boyfriend if she can do this. And my reply is. How the fuck could you know that? You mean to tell me, you can't love something, yet want something else? We are human. If it’s happening, and it is all over the world, then it's possible. You hate it, because YOU fear it happening to you. I bet lots of you wonder everyday if it’s happening to you. It just might be. Some of you wish you had a man who loved you so much that he wanted to spend his life with you. It burns your ass she has it, and is fucking it up.

My advice to my reader: Cheating- is it too addictive to stop? It is very much addictive, and it is fucking HARD to stop, but it is possible, just like any other addiction. AND, like any other addiction, you have to stay away from the problem. Even if that means quitting your job and learning from it. And if you really can't... Sweetie, hand him back the ring and pack your bags. Go get it all out of your system. Some times, we meet the right person, at the wrong time.

While I was running around with rings, I stayed out of commitments. I had a lot of “Fuck the World” going on inside of my head. I just didn't care. If you are going to play bad, do it alone. Don't take people you love down with you. Run wild alone. Looks like you stumbled on a side of you that you need to go discover. After you do that, you will have a better idea of who you are, and who you can be with. Because, and I say this with all of my heart. You may love him, but not enough where no one can touch your relationship. Real love, no one can touch it. Your co-worker wouldn't have been able to get close enough to sniff. Real love, can't be touched. My verdict, it’s addictive, and you are not ready to stop. Hand back the ring, and get out. Once he finds out the truth, the relationship will never be the same.

What’s your advice? Opinions are wanted.

The question is, can you love something yet want something else?

Flirting... where does the line begin and end?

CHEATING... is it an addiction? Or an Excuse?

Do you agree with my advice and this blog?


Basil... Dating Naked

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19 comments:

Lee on September 22, 2009 at 9:53 PM said...

I agree with your advice.

But,to me, addiction is something that starts to not feel good because it is a need, not a want. Nobody needs sex or affairs. If you say you do, that's bull. Everyone has the capability of taking care of themselves when it comes to sex.

Affairs are a want. You don't fall into them, you look for them. It is a conscious decision, not an addiction.

At least that's my opinion...and that and a quarter will get you a phone call!

Dating Naked on September 22, 2009 at 10:16 PM said...

Well, she is not feeling good about it. She feels horrible. But still does it. And a lot of people would not agree that sex is not a want.

Anonymous said...

She clearly has to end it. Hand the ring back and walk away. If she can't do that then walk away from the coworker and the job. If she can't do that then walk away from both, if she can't do that, then you have to tell yourself out loud in the mirror "I am cheating on the man I love". I gaurantee she won't be able to say it alone to herself. She hasn't been honest with anyone this whole time let alone herself. She needs to seek professional help and not give up if the first one sucks. There are alot of excellent therapists in the sea of shitty ones. Getting to the heart of the "problem" as you say it really is the only solution, ultimately. The only way to effectively solve any problems is to get to the heart of it. The real reason. Whether it's something she is avoiding saying to her fiance or whatever it is. Until she gets serious help, it will reappear. Why fight that demon unarmed. If she knows what the problem is she might actually be able to have everything she wants with the man she loves. What's better than that?

Dating Naked on September 22, 2009 at 10:54 PM said...

Khris - its a simple as she met him to soon. She is simply not ready to commit. if she was.. she would have said.. thanks, but no thanks. Not everything is evil and twisted.

leelaa on September 22, 2009 at 11:57 PM said...

im here!

Dating Naked on September 22, 2009 at 11:59 PM said...

Its about time.. stranger.

Jenapher said...

Ok, this woman is dereanged, in my opinion. You can't say that you love someone and TRULY love them if you are emotionally or physically involved with someone else. I am incapable of answering some of these questions because I have never cheated, but let me ask her this...would SHE be accepting of her fiance doing what she is doing with someone else? I highly doubt it. On the topic of whether it is addictive is also hard to call, because like was said above the rush is that of the FIRST time you have sex with someone...if that fades, why wouldn't the rush of cheating fade as well?

Dating Naked on September 23, 2009 at 1:36 AM said...

I don't think she accepts it, or even wants to make excuses, I think hse knows how bad this is, what it looks like. But she can't stop. don't matter how much she trys.. crys and says its done, she falls back.

Jenapher said...

Yeah, but if she felt THAT bad about it, she would stop, or she would end it with the fiance to avoid hurting him any further. I really don't think that addiction is as real as everyone thinks it is...yeah, some habits are HARD to break, but that doesn't make them impossible, therefore the theory of addiction doesn't hold much water to me. Drug addicts, alcoholics and such, they all claim to be 'addicted' yet there sometimes comes a point where they choose to give it up or decide they have had enough. If it was really and addiction, they would be UNABLE to stop. Don't you think?

Dating Naked on September 23, 2009 at 1:43 AM said...

"Yeah, but if she felt THAT bad about it, she would stop, or she would end it with the fiance to avoid hurting him any further."

You would think, but thats what makes it such an interesting topic. I have said it before, love just isn't enough.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with your first commenter. Simple as that.

Dating Naked on September 23, 2009 at 12:45 PM said...

So you think people want them?

Anonymous said...

Well... first of all... we are, in fact, ALL HUMAN! And yes, I do definitely agree cheating (or just sex itself) can be addicting.

While I was dating, I met a guy who in fact WAS a recovering sex addict! It was actually sad to hear him explain that he, being a sex addict, finds it very hard to connect on a deep level, emotionally, with a woman. This was due to his first experience sexually as an adolescent with an older woman. He apparently imagined it to be a magical moment as his first time and when she basically used him and walked out it messed him up emotionally. So for years and most of his early adulthood he found he was a slave to his desires. He just couldn't stop! So he actually went for help. Now he is in a great relationship with his girlfriend and has been able to connect on that level with someone...
So there definitely is hope out there for those that want to stop the addiction and be able to love someone COMPLETELY and not feel a void to make them want to stray! And yes I do believe that with ANY addiction, people become addicted to fill a void... whatever they feel missing and is different for all.

Dating Naked on September 23, 2009 at 1:26 PM said...

So, does that means he didn't use you to feed his addictions now that he is on the 12 steps? lol

Unknown on September 24, 2009 at 12:53 PM said...

"Because, and I say this with all of my heart. You may love him, but not enough where no one can touch your relationship. Real love, no one can touch it"

Basil... right there, when you wrote that sentence; it said it all! I believe that loving someone truly means having an emotional, physical and spiritual connection with that person. If she is having a physical connection with someone else... that is NOT true love in my eyes. She is fooling herself.

I think she should re-think the marriage. Hand the ring back! Honestly, if it is not the guy she is with now, there will be another co-worker or "friend" down the road. It's accepted in her MIND regardless of what she is saying from her mouth. Again, going back to what you wrote above. Great advice Basil....

Anonymous said...

She is not ready for what the commitment to her fiancee` entails. You gave excellent advice that she should pack her bags and allow him to move on with someone who is willing to give him the same respect and trust he has falsely given to her. She doesn't deserve his respect. I have been married for ten years and I can admit that temptations have come along. You were correct in telling her to quit her job in order to remove herself from the source of her temptation. When the thought arises, to pursue the person is to flirt with disaster in every way conceivable. The "loving" approach is to avoid the source of temptation at all costs in order to preserve the relationship with the person you committed yourself to. Is it not important to spare that person the pain you will cause from your infidelities? Think about it. Then decide selfishness weighs more on your to do list than being faithful.
Rena

Dating Naked on September 27, 2009 at 12:28 AM said...

Hi Rena.. so good to have you in here. I think what you said was perfect. The fear fo losing someone who wants you forever, can make you selfish. I think if she believed this guy she is sleeping with, was more than just a fling. She would leave. its that fear of having to start all over.

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