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I am here to unleash a brand new Concept, a new kind of blogging experience - Dating Naked Online. A sure fire way to be controversial, edgy and in the know. A male and female must read a long time in the making. I am a former myspazz BLAHH-GERRR... Aspiring to take my writing to new heights. I guess you can call it the mile high club of writing so to speak. I could lie to you and tell you it's all about romance and fun and the L word, la la, loove... but it's not. It has elements of all of the above, but in the middle, the stuff most people leave out will be explored for your reading horror. There will be elements of my reality, past and present. I call it my reality column... a recurring narrative you can follow week by week. Dating Naked is the name... Dating in all its forms, is the topic. Naked in how I strip it all down to its raw naked form for your reading pleasure. I promise, you will read nothing like it. Subscribe now.


Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Why I Should Never Drink & Date

Topic: Reality/Sex

Have you ever drunk dialed your parents for a booty call? Well I did...just one of the reasons I should NEVER drink and date.

Back in my bartending days, I was at my worst as a human being. Yeah, I was out for ass, I was cocky. Sometimes rude. Yeah, I knew this, as did most of the girls I was hooking up with. Let's not pretend that was a bad thing. Young, dumb and full of cum...it was our twenties, if we couldn't have fun then, when would we?

We all have a booty era. My booty era went and came like most, in a fog of drunken stoopers, and, "Who the hell are you, and how did you get in my bed. Wait, where am I, this isn't my bed?" Sound familiar? Yeah, I had them too.
It's like a drug problem for some...it's on and off. We all try to go on the right path, but we take a wrong turn down "Booty Call Lane".

One night I was working and drinking...Not a good combo, but when you're behind the bar, it's kind of like being part of the party. So me and Dave, the other bartender on that night were evaluating the potential in the room. It's objectifying women at its best, or worst depending how many drinks you've had. <---looks up innocently. Truth be told...I only became a bartender for few reasons. Good pay, great hours and picking up girls. Only this night was horrible. Seemed like every girl that came in, came in with a boyfriend, or already had someone's penis in mind. It's like being hungry, and everyone else is eating, and you can only watch. It's a mind fuck. Finally, I start talking to this one girl who kept coming back, and she is all into me. I got the feeling she wanted a little Basil on her arm for the end of the night. Meanwhile, my friend Dave also had his mojo working, talking to a girl who bared a striking resemblance to Chelsea Clinton.

Mind you, I don't think Chelsea was hot, but I always wanted to bang her. Kind of like banging the boss' daughter...only this would be banging the Commander and Chief's daughter. I still get a stiff feeling at the thought of her. But maybe it's a good thing Dave was working her, I swear if I was sleeping with her, I would yell out Chelsea, who's your daddi...make her play in my oral office, playing swallow the leader. But that's just me, I am a little weird.

So, I am basically paying for her drinks at this point...and we are laughing, talking it up, I am surely going home with her...right? Wrong!!!

In comes her boyfriend...who she introduces me too, like haa douche bag. You got me half in the bag, and now he gets to take me home. Of course, she doesn't say that, but I am for sure thinking it. And no sooner do I look over, but Dave is having a laugh at my expense. No new girls are coming in, Dave's Chelsea C. is for sure leaving with him...a little first daughter role-play for that fucker. Yes, I know it's not really Chelsea, but I am sloshed. And I struck out, going home to my hand.
On the cab ride home, I started looking up possible booty call hook ups in my phone, you know sure things. Girls who understand what it is...maybe don't like to sleep alone, maybe unhappy girlfriends. Mind you, these are the old cell phones, no texting except a limited message you had to choose from. Ok, so I go through the list. Now I have to make sure I don't offend anyone. I am trashed, still drinking like a fish, so I am probably not my nicest. It's after 4 am at this point. But there are some sure bets who love them some Basil...right? Ummmm yeah. Sitting on my sofa, I call this one girl and a guy answers. he says:

Guy: Hello?
Basil: Wow, she wouldn't be up for a booty call right now would she?
<--I'm such a dick, and so drunk...told you I was rude.Guy: WHAT, WHO IS...
Basil: Click... NEXT!!!
The guy actually star 69's me
Basil: Dude, did you fuck her?
Guy: WHAT???
Basil: Dude, what's the problem, did you fuck her yet?
Guy: YEAH.
Basil: Well you are doing better than me tonight...now if you will excuse me, I am trying to get laid...and I hang up.

I was still drinking at this point, and I am getting stupider but the sip. I made many many phone calls, then, I get desperate. I take a shot at girl who I really didn't like, but she cheated on her boyfriend for me, so maybe she will feel for me and surrender a mercy lay. Something, anything at this point. I am drunk, stupid and horny as hell, I would take a tug at this point. Hell, just flash me, I will do the rest.

So I call.
Girl: Hello?
Basil: You alone?
Girl: It's almost five in the morning!
Basil, Yeah I'm, I just got home from work, I was thinking about you.
<---- LIE!!!Girl: Aww, you were?
Basil: Of course, all night, can I come over?
Girl: Yeah, but I have my period, but we can snuggle?
Basil: Sigh, nahh, forget it.
Girl: Why?
Basil: Because if I don't get laid, I am going to hump the palm of my hand.
Girl: Wait, is this a booty call phone call?

FUCK, What to do, I could lie, or just fess up and hope she respects the truth.

Basil: Yes, I am really drunk and horny, so I am calling you.
Girl: What kind of girl do you take me for?
Basil: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? You had a fight with your boyfriend, used it as an excuse to come over and fuck me, what, now you have morals?
Girl: Well that's never going to happen again, I want someone serious.
Basil: Wow, you're not even that hot to be so offended. <---- Wow, did I just say that out loud?Girl: WHAT...??? Fuck YOU!!!!"

And she hangs up. "I GIVE UP!!! I ended up surfing cable to see if some bullshit porn was on for some self love and fell asleep with my Moses, parting my imaginary pink sea of vagina. Maybe even Chelsea. When I woke up, I must have called every girl in my phone, because my phone was full of messages, so who knows how many more couldn't leave me a nasty message. Turns out that guy called back again, so did a few girls who would have been interested. But even worse than anything I could have done. I woke up to a message from of all people, My Mom. Turns out I left her a dirty message on her phone. She said, STOP DRINKING, you are a pig and these girls you talk to, YOU are going to catch something.
Hahaha, My poor mom. I miss her. She had a long talk with me, and asked me when I became one of those guys. I said, I don't know. didn't you have a time in your life where you just didn't think. She replied: !Yeah, I had you!" OUCH...WTF MOM.
Point taken...I will admit, I am so much more fun when I am drunk, but I leave a lot to be desired at the end of the day. Sober, I went, and hung out with this girl for lunch, where she had me for dinner. Was so much easier to just be real, go out...have conversation and let the moment happen on its own. But it didn't stop there...more stories to come on why I should never Drink, and Date at the same time...Naked

Ok, readers, and worst drunk dial stories. Drunk texts... leave a comment, or I will drunk dial your mother.

Basil...Dating Naked.