Monday, September 21, 2009

Are We REALLY Relationship Ready?

I have this ongoing rant about people who are not relationship ready. These same people seem to think it has got to be something with other people, and not enough about them... EVER!!

I sit back and smile, and start thinking God, YOU have to be kidding me. You are having failure, one after the other, and you are either blaming the opposite sex, or just the person. Never once do I ever hear those same people say, "I need to look at myself in the mirror, because it just keeps ending the same way for the same reasons." Where is the accountability, where is the responsibility and where is the desire to get it right?

I had to come to grips with my own responsibilities and my own harsh reality not too long ago with the failures in my personal life, and failures in my life in general. Yeah, I did it too. I pointed fingers. I blamed the other person for being who they were when I first brought them into my life. I mean, let’s be honest, we've all done it. Looked passed glaring problems and issues over the excitement they brought into our lives. The biggest thing we look past...Jealousy: see, that right there makes me laugh. Because there are only two ways to look at it.

A, Either YOU are responsible for dating the jealous kind of jerks over and over again, or B, you are giving all of these men a reason to be fucking jealous.

How can either sex not pick up on that? But then again, when do we ever take it on the chin? It’s just easier to lay someone else out. Here is another thing. Each of us has a certain attraction. And when we find out that attraction really isn't for us, we don't change what we thought we wanted. We look for the same things, in another person. In other words, you are eating retard sandwiches for lunch, and you are just getting what it is you were asking for...only complaining about it just to hear yourself complain. You wanted extra salt, then complain it’s too salty. That's on you.

What about your own the opposite sex who were just as wanted by other's as they were by you. Dating the popular guy or girl. Who always got attention, but now that they are with you…WHAT? You thought all that attention they had before this was going to go away? If you date an attention whore, who always had attention...who will always demand attention. Who in turn, got YOUR attention. You have to accept that about them, because that's what got them there. There are certain people who don't have to do a thing, but smile and bat their lashes, and they get attention. Then you get jealous of that fact...causing a change in who you effect changing what they like about YOU.

You can't change people; they change in their own time...or not at all. In turn, what you liked about them, you now can't stand.

Other common excuses...They've changed: We all evolve as we get older. The wild calm, and the calm get wild. It's a fact and to me, is as simple as age. Some couples started dating young. So, pretty much what you enjoyed about them in the beginning, might just change in age. No, it WILL change. Sexuality changes, minds change… ideals and ideologies change. Who I was at 20... was nothing like who I was at 30. So how can we hold them responsible for something as natural as growing up and changing?

Relationships take responsibility. That same responsibility we lack at a certain age. I have this belief that from 18 to 25 should be all about selfish behavior as well as education. Not just school education...but in people. At 25, we are on the upside, and should have had a good run in not having to answer to people before the age of 25. By that time, you should have a better idea of what it is you want out of life and a person.

Ask yourself this. How can you take anything seriously in a way of a promise from a person who might change his or her mind...what they wanted when you got together, might very well be different. And the only thing holding them there is guilt...and a shared love that has changed in time and in growth. Is it really that wrong? Should we hold people to an old promise? Being relationship ready is about understanding that it’s not just about you anymore. If you can learn that…the world will be your relationship oyster - so be honest with yourself. If you can't make that commitment...then you are not relationship ready. This was a lesson I had to learn. I, in no way, was ready to commit my attention, my heart...and my time.

In closing, if you find yourself being single every other month. If you have a baby daddi, or two. If you have two failed marriages...and a rocky relationship to boot. If you have a husband or boyfriend you keep leaving and coming back to. Maybe you are just not relationship ready. Maybe you have some soul searching to do...maybe you're just not the relationship type. Maybe, it is them, and YOU too! Sure would be nice to figure out, don't you think? If you find yourself, reading your reality in this. Maybe you need to ask yourself, am I REALLY relationship ready?

Basil.. Dating Naked

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Lee the Hot Flash Queen on September 21, 2009 at 11:33 PM said...

Hmmmmmm.....I agree. Frankly, I take full responsibility for all failed relationships, both past and present. I am on marriage number 3. First I was young and dumb, second I was younger and dumber, third..well, the jury is still out!

Dating Naked on September 21, 2009 at 11:39 PM said...

Yeah Lee, I was dating ceratin kind of women. And I liked certain thinsg baout them, but what I liked.. I ended up hating baout them in a relationship.

It wasn't them, it was me.

Anonymous said...

I completely agree here. One truly needs to find ones self on not only an emotional level as well as a sexual one. Take the time to find out what you like... explore! I don't think going through a few failed relationships is harmful as long as you learn from them. You sometimes need to find out what you "don't want" to learn what you do.

You need to be real with yourself and love who you are. You can not expect someone else to love you if you don't even know who you are! It's just not fair to the other person. If you are not ready for a relationship...that's ok too. Just recognize it and take that time to grow.

Charlotte Sometimes on September 22, 2009 at 3:27 AM said...

I take full responsibility for my marriage yo-yo break ups.... I hate being married. But I love my husband. Its a difficult one... so Im working on it.

Such a simple realisation huh B?


Anonymous said...

Jealousy can be a killer - and so can an attraction to people for all the wrong reasons. The sooner we realise that, the sooner we can move on to new mistakes and try to spot them instead!

Abbi on September 22, 2009 at 11:39 AM said...

Over the past year I have finally stoped myself from becoming involved in any kind of serious relationship because I realized *I NEED* to make some personal changes! It has to be exhausting to blame others for everything!

Dating Naked on September 22, 2009 at 12:43 PM said...

Hey Abbi...being alone for a short while is good for the soul. I think I have learned that, ib being alone... I have learned to love the commitment more. to respect it, to give more of myself.. and most of all. What I want, and do NOT want in a person. Those things, not even up for debate. I don't want them wasting my time, or do I want to waste theirs.

Stephanie Faris on September 22, 2009 at 2:38 PM said...

There was a quote I had on a motivational poster that said it all: "The only common denominator in all your relationships is YOU." You've seen the people on MySpace who were bitter divorced men who were SURE all women were this and that. They'd comment on my blog all the time and their bitterness was almost painful, it was so apparent. I'd try to tell them that as long as they had that attitude, no woman would come near them, but they'd just say they didn't want a woman and they were happy alone, blah blah blah. But of course, ALWAYS, if someone's not attracted to you or doesn't fall madly in love with you, something has to be wrong with them. It can never be us! I guess that's human nature but until we fix those things, we're destined to have bad relationships.

Dating Naked on September 22, 2009 at 3:02 PM said...

I couldn't agree more Steph. I was almost afraid to tell them, its not them, its you.. and lose them as a reader.. lol

I think every bad relationship, with the wrong person, is a reflection of you. No one has that bad of luck.. just bad people skills.

imaginethat on September 25, 2009 at 9:23 PM said...

Hey ~B, you are right on. And to answer your question. Are we relationship ready? HELL NO...I have been married once. I do want to be in love and married again one day. I haven't given up on it all just need some me time. And I think it would physcologically mess up my kids going from being with their dad into another relationship too soon. That's just messed up. I see that happen a lot too. And it's sad how women can just pick up the pieces and go from man to man with kids involved. But anyways, relationship ready? NOPE!