Spanking my Monkey, I'm A Toys R Us Kid!!!

This blog was inspired by a former good friend who had the nerve to ask me, "Do my toys scare you?"

My answer to that question was a very loud "NO!" In-fact I said, "Bring it on and let me ask YOU this, Can I Help You With That?"

Once upon a time, I was like most men, in that I feared the sex toy as a replacement or something better. I didn't want it in my bedroom when you had me and my Italian hammer to play with. Well, I got past that pretty much over night while watching my first of many, older girlfriends, use one on herself. I thought, wow...my lower extremities seem to like it, so I must like it too. Who was I to argue with my lower regions? The stigma of being replaced by a huge piece of plastic kielbasa was gone. I saw them as an enhancement, something I could use to make our sex-perience, that much better. I knew I had better learn everything I could about the sex toy...looked like, they were here to stay.

My first sex store experience furthered my curiosity, where a whole new world of kiwi-strawberry heating massage lotions, ticklers and the rest of the sex toy novelties were waiting. The idea of being tied up and handcuffed, never did it for me before, mind you, I was 17, going on 18. But getting into the mind of my girlfriend at the time, I was suddenly all aroused by it all. Strange things were happening, was I a sex toys-are-us-kid?

My first real run in with a dildo vibrator, was one of nightmarish proportions...as I stumbled upon my mother's old 1978, Cadillac coupe Deville version of a vibrator to my absolute horror. One afternoon, my best friend, Dom, and me were snooping around looking for my birthday gifts, sneaky bastard I was, but aren't we all? Anyway, I found something wrapped up in a scarf, hmmm I wondered. As I picked it up, it all unraveled before my eyes, literally!

The sound of my best friend screaming, "Your mother has a dildo," still haunts me to this day.

It's one of those things you never want to think of, when you think of your mother. Of course I got caught, and we both just kind of avoided each other, although she gave me hell for snooping. But at that time, if I didn't have to see one again, that would have been fine with me. The funny thing about that, a month later, she caught me beating off after school...OHHH, THE FUCKING HORROR!!

While me and my now ex, went toy shopping, I began to wonder, "Why aren't there more sex toys for the guys?" If there was, I didn't see any. I hadn't thought that much about it until a few years ago when I was writing a blog about that very thing. Sex toys for guys, and why there wasn't a market for them. And poof, I found some.

Make room next to your Rabbit ladies. Meet the "pocket pussies" for men.

That's right; clean out the drawer space where you hide all your dirty little pleasure toys. Daddi has one or two of his own. Although, it’s still a female dominated market. I mean, you won't be seeing men throwing pleasure parties any time soon. And buying your girl a sex toy is a serious thing, there is a large margin of error if you are not careful. Getting her a huge double-ended dildo monster with four different shaped attachments will probably scare her to death. While a fake tongue may gross her out, and may raise the question, "is yours not working?" And if you give her a life-sized male blow-up doll, forget it -- she'll probably dump you.

But, in the relationship, the guy going out and buying a sex toy for his girl is still very much the rarity. Most guys don't know about the, "Hitachi Magic Wand," or the "Jelly Gumdrop Vibrator Cherry Smoothie." They have probably heard of the "Jack Rabbit Vibrator" made famous by our lovely “Sex and the City” deviants...but their sex toy palate is limited. But as men, do we know about the G-Spot Vibrator? - And if you use it on a woman while she is using a Hitachi magic wand, she will blow like a volcano? Seriously, it’s no joke.

I learned about that trick while having phone sex with a former writer of mine, as she screamed from the orgasm heavens.

The aftershock orgasms that followed were just as intense; I was very fascinated. So much so that I went to a store, and bought those two items for my one and only best friends with benefits. The one girl who I have met who can really handle that job without emotions fucking it all up. I never had so much fun, I really was the little kid in the store who loved using it on her. The louder she would scream, the hotter I got. By the time she got to the sex itself, it was off the hook, because all she wanted to do was return the pleasure I just dropped on her lap…literally.

She joked and said that, "I really was a best friend, because only a best friend would care that much about her orgasms."

I was smug - Years later, sex toys for guys were just hitting the market. Yeah, there was the sex pump for guys. But who wanted to cut off the blood flow to their salami, lose all sensation? I could do that with a condom. But who's that really for anyway? A bigger penis for the girl to get excited about? So, the question is, what are you doing for me lately? The answer, fake plastic vaginas, vibrating cock rings, for his and her pleasure. FINALLY...turn about is fair play.

When I discovered the plastic vagina that supposedly felt just as good as the real thing, the light bulb went on over my head. Basil's smirking revenge... <--fight club reference, I was going to turn the tables on women who thought guys should get over it and grow a pair when it came to the plastic vibrating cock. How would women feel if we pulled out a plastic vagina during foreplay? Or, if you walked in on him beating his meat with one? Would the ego get bruised, or would you join in or watch? Don't get me wrong, the real thing is unmatched. I much rather have skin and fresh over a pocket pussy any day, but I wanted to have some fun with the idea.

So out came my plastic, and I bought some plastic...the Flesh bot, my first sex toy, and the games begin.

Now, I wasn't in a relationship, but I had some regular casual sex going on at this point. But before I could play, I had to play with myself first, I mean I had to try it, I was curious...is it as good as the real thing? Hmmmm I have to admit though, I was kind of scared of this thing. Who knows where this vagina's been... hahaha… So I gave it the smell test. Didn't smell like one, so I tried some fingers. It was interesting. I didn't get the vagina-goose bumps like I do when I finger a girl. It didn't have that warm feeling, even though it was supposed to simulate it. So finally I lubed up, and lost my virginity to my first adult toy vagina. So how was it?

It was better than jerking off with my hand, I will admit that. But it was far from the real thing. I guess you ladies know that being most, if not all of you, own a toy of some sort. Feels goods, but we won't be trading in our partners for it. Well, some of you won't... lol.

So, I invited my casual friend over for her weekly booty call session, and it was just right, we did a lot of making out, high school style. Her rubbing on me while we kissed. The whole 4play book and then some from my own personalized hand book on 4play. Now, I picked her because she LOVES using her toys during all kinds of kinky 4play, I mean she loved that I wasn't insecure about it. Guys before me were. A lot of, “What's that for?” Just insecure men who didn't get that it was not a replacement, it was an enhancement of pleasure. But I was about to find out if she was vagina insecure...I had just about crippled her making her cum. She made all kinds of silly faces and her hands locked up so bad, they hurt. So out came fake vagina. And right away, it began.

Girl: What the fuck is that?
Me: Toy Vagina <---- so amused already
Girl: I get that, what’s it doing here?
Me: It’s just a male sex toy, what’s the problem... didn't I just fuck you with your own?
Girl: Yes but that’s different
Me: Different how?
Girl: YOU have the real thing right here.
Me: What, and my cock isn’t real? I didn't know this.
Girl: I am just insulted that you feel you needed it.
Me: Has nothing to do with being insecure about it, does it?
Girl: I'm not insecure...but I am leaving.
Me: Does that mean you won't fuck me with the fake vagina? I thought I would have a vagina threesome tonight...Don't go. <---- As I laugh

I ran after her and explained that It was an experiment...still laughing so hard, but I had to fix her head, so I gave her some. Later, the more she thought about it, the more she understood. She was just shocked to see one, because she didn't know they made them. But I wasn't done there. I had to see if women were hypocrites, or if it was a one-time deal. So, I blogged about this a little over two years ago. Wanted to see how women felt about sharing their toy drawer with men and their own toys. The blog was a hit, it did somewhere between 250 to 300 comments, mostly women, a few men. And I would say 80% were so against it.

So since that page and blog were deleted by Myspace about a year ago, I rewrote this. So, for you girls who get a kick out of antics like this, are you afraid of my sex toys? Let me turn that around on YOU.

You’re about to get busy, and Johnny-doesn't-make-you-CUM lately pulls a pretty purple bag out from under the bed, it’s your favorite bag from your favorite sex store. THE HAMMA YO ASS sex store...WHATEVER! And you think he is pulling out something for you. And out comes a realistic SEX vagina for HIS PLEASURE, LADIES...that's right, he did it, and he didn't have to get it drunk and he won't go to jail because he paid for it.

The question is, how do YOU feel about competing with a toy, in the bedroom? I want some honest answers, don't give me some prepared answer to sound clever. Think about this, what happens when HE becomes addicted to something that's NOT YOU. Remember when the rabbit came out, and all you wanted to do was play. That's him, and the Hoover VAC of sex toys is moving in.

Here are just two of the male sex toys girls will be seeing a lot more of:

THE FLESHLIGHT - Penis sleeve
The Fleshlight has been hailed as the ultimate male masturbation toy by those who know best. The men that have used it. Made of a soft silky material that feels almost as good as real skin. The Fleshlight is a penis sleeve intended to recreate the feeling of a penis in a vagina, and this one does with remarkable success.

SPANK YOUR MONKEY? - Male Vibrator
Move over Rabbit, make room for the monkey - We all know the rabbit made every woman sit up and take notice of sex toys, while men have been left twiddling their, um, thumbs when it comes to using sex help – and that's not just because they'd sooner use the batteries for the TV remote.

Now a freelance designer from south London is hoping to change all that. He thinks his new invention will do for men's sex toys what the rabbit did for women's.

Colin Bailey, 32, built the first prototype for his Monkey Spanker in his Crystal Palace home. It's set to be sold in Ann Summers’ stores shortly.

Sex toy tips: Sex toys are much better and more pleasurable when used with lube, so make sure to invest in some good quality water or silicone-based lube for your girl if you do build up the nerve to buy her the toy.

Basil...Dating Naked.