Monday, February 1, 2010

To Friend, or to Boyfriend?

Hey Basil - What do you do if your boyfriend hates all your friends, and your friends hate your boyfriend? What do you do in that situation? Feels like a lose/lose situation if you ask me? Thanks, Marissa

Basil - Well, it is a situation, but to easy one to figure out. This is a classic tug-of-war over loyalty. The boyfriend wants to know if it's all about him, or if you are tied to your friend's opinions. And your friends see someone who is different and who wants you to pull away from them. In both cases, they are both selfish in what they are doing. Maybe your friends like the ex, and have hopes you will return to that person. And the boyfriend, knows he is the outsider, and could give a rat's ass, because he knows he can't change their feelings. The question remains, is he really making you happy?

If he is, and you are not ignoring the issue of "sometimes love just blinds you" until something happens and you then see what everyone was talking about the whole time. If that's not the case, then you need to have a sit down with the friends. And ask them to be fair, and let you and your relationship grow, without the tug of war or guilt of being with him. On the flip side, maybe if the boyfriend cared, he would make an effort to show them that he is the right person for you. They don't have to love each other, just co-exist. And maybe, just respect will evolve.

I trust all my friends' judgment because they know me better than anyone. Above all though, it's my decision. A decision I will have to live with, and whether or not it's the wrong one, better make the wrong decision yourself, than to look back knowing someone else made the wrong one for you. That's what being an adult is about. If it's your really good friend that knows you and he or she has a legitimate reason for not liking him, you should question that and really look into it. But that's it. They are there to advise you, not make choices for you. A "REAL" friend, will know that.

The NAKED truth
Basil, Dating Naked


Goin to Cali!! on February 2, 2010 at 10:51 AM said...

I think the question really comes down to, do they know eachother? What are they and the significant other judging on? What kind of time have they spent together? If either really haven't spent any time together and they aren't willing to, that speaks alot about their jealousy and quickness to judge and make assumptions. If either part has actually spent some time getting to know the other and seeing you interact when the gaurds are down, they could see that this s/o is or isn't what they are assuming they are. If it's a quick first impression judgment that one or the other is basing it on, then they need to lighten up.

Situations like these are even worse when it includes family not liking the s/o. Good answers though but I have to add that friends are there to support you just as much if not more than to advise you. It's true friendship when they can allow you to make your mistakes after they warned you and not shove it back in your face but rather support you when it falls apart. Also friends and family should realize how much they risk if their friend chooses to keep the s/o regardless of their opinion.

Lastly you have to wonder if they all have spent time together and everyone of them dislikes the s/o, then do YOU really know this person and see who they are? Or why do you love someone who's so bad for you?

Goin to Cali!! on February 2, 2010 at 11:53 AM said...

Let me add that I am speaking from experience. I married the guy no one liked. My friends were pretty much gone and family were clueless. So when things went south, I had next to no support system. His friends didn't really have my back and any new friends wound up feeling the
same way as the old friends. You can't take on a situation like that without knowing you may lose your whole support system which is actually something that an abuser will do. Try to alienate you from your entire support system.

She should be very careful and keep her eyes open if he is doing this on purpose. Have any of her friends ever felt this way before about her boyfriends?

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Dating on April 27, 2010 at 3:20 PM said...

Then do YOU really know this person and see who they are?

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